Reflections and Irony

There is some irony in this post. My goal was to write about my first year of teaching. And today is the second official day of Summer (yes, after my first year of teaching). So... I thought I would take a minute to reflect.

 First of all, let me tell you why I didn't write. After I got my feet wet per say, I realized that I probably shouldn't post all of the harsh realities of the new circumstances I had waded into, or I might lose my job. Okay, I probably wouldn't have, but I was feeling some mega culture shock and would definitely have rattled on about how HORRIBLE this place is - not so great for my school's PR. Now I can say I've gotten used to it. It was, like I said, a culture shock. My wonderful, awesome, amazing, fabulous (shall I go on? Okay, I won't) year of student teaching was located in a tiny farm town in Ohio. I was...spoiled, and maybe sheltered there from the harsh realities that some children are facing in other areas of our dear country. My school is located in an area where students face some struggles that broke my heart as a parent and a teacher. Not all of the students struggled, but some. And I mean seriously heartbreaking circumstances that I probably shouldn't get into. "Survival of the fittest" seems to be an appropriate way to term the attitude of the neighborhood. Maybe some would say that this is the way of life everywhere, but I don't believe that to be true. Not like what these babies are growing up into. Not to mention, in case nobody has told you, the deep south is a little bit different than my "Yankee" upbringing. That's not bad, just took some getting used to. As my husband would say, my "accent" made me sound "uppity." I have no idea what he was talking about, but I did feel like a jerk having to ask everybody to repeat themselves until I could get used to the southern drawl. Anyway, lots of culture shock, lots of getting used to, didn't always have nice things to say... it was better that I didn't post.

Looking back on this first year of teaching, I have had so many emotions: Heartbreak, STRESS, disappointment, STRESS, inadequacies, tiny successes, deep friendships, self-reflection, self-reflection, self-reflection, STRESS (did I say that already?). I thought I knew it all. I knew what I was doing. I had LOADS of experience from parenting, running the before and after school program, years and years and years of college. Yeah, I knew nothing. I felt like I was drowning for most of the year... drowning from paperwork, drowning in inadequacy, drowning in disappointment, drowning in test prep (yuck!), drowning in lesson plans and expectations and hopes. It seems like a sad story I know, but there was good too. Every once in awhile, I got that feeling that made me go into teaching to begin with. The feeling you get when a student "gets it" and you know you did something right. That feeling when we finally walk down the hall quietly and you want to jump for joy (or actually jump for joy, as I sometimes did) that maybe things are getting better. That feeling of seeing your students show love and kindness to one another, when you remember how they use to fight. 

In a few months, I'll be starting over again. I've been moved to first grade (I guess I need to change the name of my blog!) and I'm so excited to start fresh (in a non-tested area might I add!)! At some point in this year, I got excited to start over, knowing what I would do differently. For example, I thought I came in with a tough demeanor. Go ahead and laugh, first year teacher classic mistake. I was tough for a minute, then fun, then funny, then sweet... I wanted my students to be excited about third grade and, yes, to like me - even though I never actually said that. Not this year. No smiles. They can like school because they're doing fun things. I'm having trouble wrapping my head around not being smiley with first graders, but I can do it. I know I can. I have to. At least for awhile. Anyway, I also plan to be more positive. My confidence has been knocked down, and I need to turn that around. As I read (which I am always doing) all of these books about teaching, trying to be better, I am reminded that I KNOW this stuff. I know what I'm doing. I just need to regain my confidence after this tough year. Part of doing that is staying positive. I tend to be my own worst critic (aren't we all?) and focus on what I'm doing wrong and need to fix, as opposed to the good things going on. I'm smart. I'm a problem solver. I'm creative. These will be my mantras for the year.

This doesn't even begin to wrap up this year in a big, pretty bow, but like I said, this year didn't come to me like that. I'm moving forward, gleaning what I can take that worked this year, using my experiences to become better, reading, reading, reading, relaxing, relaxing, relaxing, hanging around positive people, and reminding myself (yet again) that the good Lord brought us here for a reason. The least I can do is be grateful for health, family, and that He has taken care of us and carried our little family on His shoulders soooo much this year. He has brought some wonderful people into our lives and if he plans to keep us here in the beautiful (I have to give it that) state of Mississippi, I can only look forward to what He must have planned. 

 I know that was SOOOO long. Kudos to you if you read this far! God bless!